Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm OK Now

It had been a hard week. Hard does actually not begin to cover it. There were days when we couldn't leave the house. Days when there was more yelling than speaking. There were meltdowns on both our parts, and there was hitting on his part. I don't hit, or rather I don't hit people. Pillows on the other hand - well, they got hit this week. Anyway - a hard week (maybe even several weeks - I lose track).

At one point though, there was a break in the action. AJ came up behind me and gave me a big hug. It was the first time in at least week that he touched me without violence. At first I just enjoyed the hug. But, I gradually realized that it wasn't a regular hug. It was too intense. And it was getting more intense.

I turned around and picked him up and put him on my lap. He's a big kid, almost as tall as me. He doesn't fit on my lap - but he hasn't noticed that. Anyway, he started to make this screaming sound. But without opening his mouth. You know, the kind you can make in the back of your throat. Go ahead and try, I'll wait...

Ok, if you did it, you realize that after awhile, that hurts your throat. It's the kind of noise you would make if you were in serious pain. So, I knew he was in pain - serious emotional pain. He sat on my lap, making that sound for almost 45 minutes. I just held him, and spoke nonsence words quietly. Sending my love, feeling his pain. Trying not to cry.

Then he started to cry, for about 2 -3 minutes (he's not much of a cryer). Then he just stopped. He looked up at me with his giant blue eyes and said:

"I'm sorry. I'm OK now. Thanks, Mama."

Five minutes later we were playing and wrestling. I'm exhausted, but I'm OK now too.


Ivy said...

Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry you've had a rough week, but I'm so proud of how you handled your son's pain. How many of us can stand to sit there for 45 minutes while our child screams out in pain? You gave him what he needed, even as it cost you.

I've noticed with my own son, that sometimes there is just emotion that needs to come out. For E it is usually through tears, and fits, and outbursts that don't always make sense. But afterward, everything seems to be better.

Autism and family said...

It's like there is so much emotion that he doesn't know how to express. It builds and builds. And then there is the explosion. We try to explain the whole "using words" thing, but sometimes, as he says "I lost my words - no words right now." It's hard on all of us, but he gets the brunt of it, of course. The thing is, in the midst of all that negative behavior, it's hard to remember that he's trying. We try to learn and try to grow.
Thanks for your comments. It's nice to know someone is out there and reading my ramblings. :-)