Thursday, October 29, 2009


I usually blog about the cool stuff that AJ does - stuff that’s funny or cute or touching. But what about the other stuff?

What about when it’s raw and painful?

What about when it’s just ugly? Does anyone want to hear about that?

What if a little boy walks up to AJ and says “Do you want to be on my team?” and AJ screams in his face “NO!”, and the little boy cries?

What if AJ says “Yeah, I know I made you cry, but I don’t feel bad about it?”

What if AJ hits me and laughs?

What if I cry and AJ’s response is “Will you shut up, I’m trying to think?”

What if AJ spends an entire day hitting, screaming, and making fun of me?

What if I completely lose my cool and scream back at him?

What if it all gets to be too much and I consider residential placement because he’s getting so violent?

What if the only thing I want for my birthday is to be alone, and I can’t get it?

What if the bad days outnumber the good?

What if AJ runs away in a corn maze and I can’t find him for what seems like forever, and when I do, he runs away again?

What if this is the new normal?


Ivy said...

You are not alone. Can I tell you that? Can I tell you there are days when I imagine running away from everything? Can I tell you that my "normal" kid is the one hitting and kicking and not caring? That I worry every day about my autistic one in ways I never imagined? That I worry about the behaviors my daughter is picking up from them? I feel a humongous urge to give you a hug. I'd love to tell you it will all be ok. But I can't know that. I do know that you aren't alone in this. And that I really hope you get at least a little time to yourself soon.

Autism and family said...

Wow! Thanks so much for your comment. I can't tell you how much that helps - just to know that someone else gets it. THANK YOU!!! I felt the hug - and here's one right back.